Phaze of Mind

The First Few Weeks.

2009-06-09T23:16:00.000-07:00

So maybe I got a little carried away on my last update. Routine isn't all bad. It is a good way of making sure you schedule the time to do something that you just need to do. Now, what someone means by "need" is different from individual to individual. Some may need to wake up in the morning, have a cup of joe, take a crap and eat cereal from the same bowl he's been using for the last 5 years. For this person, these tasks need to be done before he can start on being productive for that day. So rather than pointing the gun at "routine", let's shoot the balls off of monotony.

Since returning from my trip to Asia, I've been having a hard time coping with monotony. As I stated before, realizing that I was driving the same paths everyday and shopping at the same grocery store made me question what I had gotten into by coming back home. But rather than complaining over and over, I will point out what I don't like and I will figure out what I can do to make the best of the situation. So to combat this itch, I've started running.

I have to admit that I've cheated a little. But keep note, I couldn't run a mile without gagging and gasping for air before I left for my trip a year ago. However since returning, I have had the greatest success and enjoyment from running, ever. It was one of my goals to begin running again when I returned home, but I wouldn't think it would be like this. After picking up a pair of $130 shoes(I got it as a gift; best gift I've gotten in a long time) and taking them for a spin, I was amazed that I was running 2+ miles without gasping. Now, a few weeks later, I'm pushing 4 miles when I am able to budget the time. But how this is helping me with my stint with monotony is that I am able to just run and explore backroads, trails, hikes and routes that aren't on the same drive that I do everyday. I make it a point to see someplace new every time I go for a session with my New Balances.

Especially with my constant feeling towards being home, this is one of the few activities that make me feel better about myself. I feel like I am becoming better.

I urge everybody to do this. Find somewhere new, it probably isn't even that far. Explore what is around you. It will give you other ideas on how to improve your life. You'll be surprised.

Live it.

Updating...

2009-06-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

I am finally back home. I get to type on my laptop without fear of losing power and have the freedom to peruse the web with unlimited wireless access. There is a car at my disposal and all the cable TV I could possibly ask for. Yet, I still get the urges to leave.

I probably just need a vacation. Greece, perhaps.

The thought occurred to me that everyday I drive through the same streets, shop at the same grocery store and wake up at the same time. Too much routine for me. I need to change up my lifestyle to something more conducive to the type of feeling of freedom I've nurtured on my trips abroad. So in addition to the goals that I started out writing this blog for, I will be doing some lifestyle experiments. Not everything has to be so routine, does it?

Let's figure it out.

Also, posting pictures onto this blog has been a problem but I will continue to try.

Live it.

My Own Accord.

2009-02-14T02:34:00.000-08:00

Another day, another yoga lesson. I've been appreciating the lifestyle that I've adopted here in Mysore. I don't know if it will last but while it does let me enjoy it. I wake up around 5:30 in the morning. It is still dark out; not even the tint of blue pervades the sky. Of course I lay in bed because I still can't find a legit reason to get up until 5:55 when I need to brush my teeth and put on some borrowed yoga pants amidst the darkness, all the while making sure that I do not wake up Todd.

The walk up the hill is never too bad. It is just the correct length where you need to contemplate if you want to do it at such a time and at just the right incline that you feel nervous about the strain that it will put on your legs that sustain the consequence of yesterday's yoga session.

The class is geared for beginners. Our teacher is an middle aged Indian woman with just enough English to describe how to alter our bodies from position to position with us understanding. She is always wearing a salawar and rides a moped. The class begins with a deep breathing/meditation session that for some reason always brings up such random and trivial thoughts into my mind. It is not until she begins to recite a yogic prayer that ends in "Shanti" do I begin to feel myself preparing for the intensive session ahead.

Its interesting how yoga is so focused on the breath. Coming from a background in Eastern and Brazilian martial arts, yoga is difficult. Eastern martial arts tend to allow the practitioner to position themselves in relatively comfortable positions so that chi can pervade freely throughout. Yoga also believes in the cultivation of chi and the chakras but has a completely different approach to the technique. Rather than a comfortable position, yoga forces the practitioner to be in highly uncomfortable positions and one must still learn to breathe!

Notice: I am writing this portion a lot later when I am actually in Mungod.

Mysore and Hubli were very difficult for me. I really cannot explain why but I think I suffered a type of mental breakdown. Maybe it was because of my living situation and that nothing was there for me to do and that I had to reside within my own mind. I don't know. Nonetheless, my mind was plagued with irrationalities of all types that kept me in the dumps for a good two weeks. I remember going through a similar situation once before many years ago. The only difference there is that I didn't recover from that slump for over a year while this time it only took me a matter of two weeks to recover. I hope this is a sign of how much more mature I've become in the last few years. I might not feel it, per se, but I can see the progress when these types of situations arise in my mind.

I do not want to be an irrational person at all. I have always tried to be viewed as a mentally stable person (at least to people that don't really know me) and only now do I see that persistence coming true. Who knew that the most difficult portion of Pac-Rim thus far would have been something more mental than physical. How naive I was to think that this experience was too easy. Nevertheless, I have been put back into my place and thus have been exploring my opportunities for the future. I need a job and if anyone that reads this(if anyone actually reads this; I really don't think anyone does and this is why I don't write in it much) feels that I might be a decent hire, PLEASE HIRE ME.

There are less than three months left in this program. I am taking a very assertive perspective towards this trip. I am not going to try and extend this trip. Extending it means that I think that this trip is so great that I don't want to let go of it or that I might never be able to do this again. Untrue. I have plans to come back and I do not believe that this is the best time of my life. This experience has only showed and provided me with the lessons that I will employ to continue making my life better and better. With that, I will end this trip on my own accord. I refuse to let myself extend this experience until I do not have the means to extend it anymore. With what I have, I will begin making carving my path so that I can return again. I have my flights booked to get back home. Hopefully, I won't let any of what's left go to waste.

Hopefully I don't ramble too much in my constipated haste of a blog. Leave me comments on what you think. Thanks.

Serenity

2009-01-22T07:29:00.000-08:00

So I begin my dictation of my travels in India. Just returning from my ritualized morning yoga session, I have fifteen minutes before breakfast and I have decided to use it to write to you.

I apologize for not having kept my promise of periodically writing these blog entries. Much of my efforts have been to experience the here and now, letting my environment reflect on me rather than me reflecting on my environment. Only recently, let's say within two weeks, have I been able to accomplish this. My mind would have always been processing some irrelevant, irrational topic even amongst the wonders that I have been able to see and feel. In some way, I actually was not able to see and feel what I had wanted to because of the constant grind of irrationality that persisted until recently.

There is not much of a way to explain the change. Let us just hope that there will be no regression. Finally having a glimpse into what it feels like to live without worry, to have the mindset to not only be free of my emotions but to be free of having to be free of my emotions, I've decided that this will be my life goal. To learn to live perpetually in that state. There has been no other feeling that has been more serene. I was so overcome by this swell of bliss that all I could comprehend doing was putting on my favorite headphones and listen to the Blue Scholars, a hip hop group that I am completely enamored with.

So now that there exists a state in which I can freely think without false thoughts, let me tell you about where I am and what I've been doing.

I am currently residing at the Vivekananda Institute in the outskirts of Mysore city, about three hours southwest of Bangalore. There really isn't much in the area. No bars or clubs or anything else that we usually use to meet people. All our meals are provided for us. It is funny how vegetarian food seems to elicit other sobering measures into your lifestyle. I refuse alcohol, go to sleep by midnight and wake up just before the birds fly south everyday. The mornings are the most serene in India. The gradients in the sky cause the sunlight to seem like an orange rainbow. These atmospheric terraces also hold the color of the setting sun so that the blood red fire is held in sight long after the sun has already set.

Breakfast is ready. I'll write soon.

Deuce Deuce.

2008-06-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me. Actually, it was over two weeks ago. So I am no longer living the honeymoon stage of my life. I'm a college graduate who doesn't really have any special birthdays to look forward to unless you consider 25 to be special for then I will be able to rent a car. I don't really feel any different but I feel a sense of freedom.

Haha. I am looking back on this effort now (I write this portion on January 22, 2009). Funny how I think.

Commencement.

2008-06-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

Commencement.

My four year stint of academics at the University of Puget Sound has ended. Graduating with a Bachelor’s of Science in Chemistry, I feel a lot of what I’ve accomplished has been undeserved. Maybe it hasn’t hit me that I am now a graduate of college, something that many people tell me that I must appreciate since so many others do not get the chance to attend college. But I feel that it has always been expected of me to do what I have done therefore I don’t feel like I’ve done anything spectacular. I’ve just met the minimal expectations.

So what now? What must I do to get myself out of this “rut” where I just accomplish what is expected of me? I could continue living the pre-formatted life that is expected of me: get a job, pay off my loans, eventually get married and have kids. And to some extent, I will live this type of life; but my mission is to do more. There is no way that my aspirations are unique. The quest for freedom is something that I feel most individuals try to obtain. What it entails and how one does it completely depends on the person. So what is it for me and how will I obtain it?

I want to a life with adventure. I have already done some of these things like surfing, skydiving, traveling to Asia, Africa and Europe. I want to be able to continue doing these things even though the “real world” is upon me. I am taking a hiatus from this oncoming by going on the Pacific-Rim trip next year. I will be in South Korea, Mongolia, China, Japan, Cambodia, Vietnam and India, if not other places. I am looking forward to seeing the sunrise and sunset from the Himalayas, walking through the bustling cities of China and backpacking through the hills of Mongolia. I just got back from British Columbia the other day and the ferry ride through the San Juan Islands and Victoria gave me the idea that I would love to live on a boat for a few years, being able to enjoy the scenery of the northwest and the morning mist along its waters while being able to travel along the coast as I please. Supposedly the owner of the website tomsshoes.com lives on a boat and travels between Florida and his factories in Argentina constantly running his business. I believe that is an awesome way of living life. Maybe that is the key: find a sustainable means of living which allows me to travel yet work at the same time. Who knows? These are just my thoughts.

I want the world to be my backyard.

The Dreams that Didn't.

2008-05-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

I used to believe in giants. Utterly confused, I remember asking once when I was very young, “Dad, why don’t I see giant people?” Before he had a chance to reply, I went ahead and answered my own question, “People don’t grow into giants because they die before they get that tall, right?” Feeling proud of myself and swelling with optimism I declared, “I am going to be that tall one day.”

It didn’t occur to me until a few years later that my dream to become a giant was not reasonably possible.

I became tremendously involved in martial arts as I began to enter elementary school. My days would consist of multiple trips to the library to scrounge through their shelves, looking for anything and everything regarding warfare and hand-to-hand combat. At the same time, I began watching a cartoon series titled Street Fighter II V. The main characters of this series embark on a journey around the world to become the best fighters in the world. My best friend and I promised ourselves at that instant that we would also follow Ryu and Ken’s lead and travel the world to become the best martial artists.

Yeah…if you know what I look like now, you know how that dream turned out.

As I grew older I didn’t necessarily lose sight of these types of dreams, I just wanted to add more to my list to do. By the time I was nine, I had a little composition book where I kept all of my invention ideas. I remember drawing up specs for a levitating skateboard and how we would have to redo our transportation infrastructure in order to accommodate for flying cars. I always thought that I would be able to do all this.

I had so many elaborate dreams when I was young. However, I lost sight of them as the years went by, sacrificing these childhood dreams so that I could be one of the “popular” kids. It’s funny how so much of what we want to do in the future gets put on the backburner because of pressures of the present. I liken this procrastination to sub-conscious apathy. I have been so distracted by the little things that I think I have to do now that the real assignment that would bring me utter satisfaction is completely neglected, and eventually lost.

How do I not live such a sedentary life? I just go through the motions. Just writing that sentence bothers me, for now I reflect on yesterday and realize that I didn’t do anything that actually helped me gain ground on something that I want to accomplish.

To try and remedy this daily crisis, I’ve adopted the use of a Dream Book. I write every dream I can think of into this book to make sure that I have them recorded and never lose them. I’ve seen that by writing one dream, I think of a few more that stem for that dream. Hopefully this will keep me thinking big so that I don’t become distracted for a period of many years once again. I picked up this idea after a friend of mine told me to read the book The Dream Manager by Matthew Kelly. It’s an interesting story, especially if you are business-inclined. Of course writing your dreams down is never enough.

Challenge: Out of the Dream Book, pick a dream to concentrate on for a week. Spend thirty minutes each day of that week to work to accomplish that goal.

Excuse my rant on this post. My internal frustration and scattered memories have translated to constipated writing.

Regrets.

2008-04-24T01:58:00.000-07:00

The impetus to better my life stems from regret. The regret that I was not that kid that was known for his sports skills, that I was not known for my high intelligence or that I was not known as the good looking one. Yet, I am still in a descent place. Unfortunately, most everything I have now has been a product of luck. I do not remember the last time I worked consistently for something I wanted. In due time, it was eventually placed in my lap. The feeling of satisfaction has been long forgotten to me.
What if I had tried? Where would I be now? These are questions that I don't have time for anymore. For too long have they dragged behind me, causing me to waste even more time pondering. Why do I even ponder? Much of the reason I am trying to let go of these questions is because I know the answer to them. I know where I could have been. I know what has eluded me. Everything I want now could have been achieved by now had I kept a focus.
Even so, I do not regret my experiences thus far. I would have never realized my situation had I not been through the last couple decades of my sedentary life. And of course, the years I stood idle led me to know you. No regret there.
In the last few days, I had been made aware of the consequences of some of my experiences. On one hand, the knowledge I gained was able to help an acquaintance continue to pursue a dream where he had previously been unsuccessful. On the other hand, going through my experiences caused me to neglect a friend who I might as well consider my brother.
So why do I regret? What is regret? Seems like there are always two sides to the story (if not more). Is it something I wish I could have done but only realized it after the fact? Too bad. The time has passed. What I should be asking is whether I would have learned from the incident had I done it right the first time. I might have continued living on a whim, relying on luck and would eventually realize that I have never tried to accomplish anything that meant something to me. I could have never felt satisfied. I need to live a pro-active life in order to feel satisfied. I feel that the process of goal-setting and goal-achieving is the key to my perpetual happiness.
Getting back to regrets: Regrets are the inherent lessons that have lead me to set goals. Hopefully, conquering these goals will give me the feeling of satisfaction and content. Everything happens for a reason. I believe it. With the right attitude and perspective, I trust that I will understand that reason. And with time and persuasion I hope to eventually be lead to unfold my destiny.

To my friend:
I am sorry that so many incidences and settings have caused roadblocks in our friendship. I could apologize many times but I would never feel like it was enough. You have shown me other ways to better myself. I could say that I regret, but rather, I will take it as a lesson to make sure I never fault in these ways again.

Challenge: Spend an hour everyday with a person you might hardly see again after graduation.

Hey. I am not a softie.

The Challenges.

2008-04-23T01:18:00.000-07:00

To tell you the truth, my dad was the inspiration that set me to embark on my vision quest. He has always been the one to guide me and advise me at the many turning points of my life. Yet, never has he forced me to take any of his advice. He also taught me that I need to lay down the foundation, meaning to take care of the basics, before I try to conquer some of my advanced goals. This strategy is mere common knowledge, yet, it has taken me years to understand it to the point where I can apply it to what I want to do. We have training manuals that tell us how to get stronger, nutrition guides that help us lose weight; and they all preach to start off slow, making sure that we have our “feet under us” so that we do not risk injury or, at least, injury to our motivation and pride. Problem is I don’t necessarily need to look like the next Vin Diesel. I want a step by step guide to improving the quality of my life. Sure it’s a tall order but this is essentially what I am doing through this blog. Interestingly, there is a dual-book set titled The StyleLife Challenge by Neil Strauss which ultimately aims to improve one’s social intelligence. I would regard this book as the modern pop version of Dale Carnegie’s classic teachings (i.e. How to Win Friends and Influence People, etc.). Yes, this book is very popular among men who can’t get a date but the underlying principles of the book could help anyone obtain necessary skills that could benefit them in a social setting. The book is constructed by setting certain challenges per day for a total of 31 days, with the intention of getting a date within that amount of time. By accomplishing the goals in the required time set by the book, the participant is set into a path of redefinition. So in a very StyleLife-esque manner, I’ve gone about and set some challenges for myself.
I figure the sooner I get these challenges posted, the sooner I will feel compelled to stick to my goals. Take note, this post is not, nor will ever be, finalized. These first few challenges will only get me into the habit of challenging myself to do more with the intention of being able to accomplish much more. Of course, the first few challenges will also be relatively easy just so I can get into the groove of setting goals and conquering them. I am starting from the very bottom, people. Here are the first few challenges:

1. Spend at least 30 minutes in the gym or on the track every day until the day of graduation. That is 26 days. Do-able.

2. Attend every class until reading period. 2 weeks.

3. Get an A on the Physics test this Friday. Money.

4. Write on this blog consistently so that I can keep reminding myself of what I need to do.

Now, I know that these challenges are borderline pathetic but give me some time. Ideally, I would like to add a new challenge every time I publish a post and these challenges will become inherently more difficult as time progresses. If anyone has any comments or suggestions for this “PhazeLife Challenge” or might want to join me, you know how to get in touch.

The Basics...

2008-04-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

Step 1: The reorganization of my life

Major flaw I find in the way I conduct my day-to-day activities is that I have no clear focus. Me spending the time to write this blog rather than finishing that math homework due tomorrow or writing the paper for genetics is already a clear indication of how unfocused I am. In a very optimistic and non-compensating perspective, my ideas and thoughts span such a broad spectrum and my motivations and passions are continuously shifting that I am basically in a state of mental limbo or goal-setting ADD. Contemplating this character flaw for the last three years has led me to a few conclusions:

1. I need to get the small things right first. I need to stick to a schedule, take advantage of my downtime, continuously seek to improve my relationships with the people I care for and surround myself with successful people.

2. My body is a reflection of my mind. This is actually a recent epiphany. For so long I've been complaining about the pudgy parts of my body, yet, there have only been half-hearted attempts to remedy the situation. Also, the older I get, the more I see that my body is not as easily fixable as it was in high school. I need to get my body to look fit so that when I wake up and see myself in the mirror, the sight of my lumpy self will not cause me to spiral into a lower mental state where I do not have the self-esteem to conquer and achieve what I hope to for that day. Gerard Butler, here I come!

3. I've found the most success when my pride was in question. Recently, I've developed the habit of betting people that I can accomplish certain minor goals. I lose a few, win most. For example, I had a $100 bet with a friend on who could stay away from eating food from the establishment where we worked. People around school slowly found out about the bet and started taking sides, trying to cause one of us to bend to our temptations. The bet lasted for two months, finally ending with me emerging as the victor (I didn't take her money). Now when people ask about who won, I proudly say that I did, reveling in the feeling that my pride was not sacrificed for some temporary feeling of satisfaction provided by greasy or packaged food.

These will be the three lessons that I will endeavor to apply to my everyday life from today on. In my next blog, I will post specific challenges to myself where everyone who reads my blog will be able to hold me accountable. There is no way I will let the readers be able to say that I had not accomplished my goals. That is my challenge.

Let's begin...

2008-04-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

This is essentially my first blog. I've never posted my ideas and opinions on myspace or facebook for I use those networks for other reasons. The reason for this blog will be for me to relay my experiences and epiphanies to people I trust to understand and appreciate them.

I invite others to comment and engage what I choose to write in this blog. Some posts might have random thoughts or interesting events that occur on any given day. Other posts might be announcements of small accomplishments which could possibly lead me to achieve these overarching and complex goals that for some reason I feel I am entitled to. This post already seems to be adopting a very conceited tone and for this I apologize. I do not have many skills or trades that I could provide to help other people but one thing I can do is be genuine. Therefore this blog will be intended for me to express my genuine self through honest and, hopefully, provocative inquiries on the world, my goals, my experiences and myself.

This will be my journey of self-discovery...